My 2013 goals are to finish my dissertation, lose 30 lbs, increase my strength, get faster on the bike, and then start on the road to losing another 30 lbs. And to blog daily, which I am doing!
My goal through the end of this week (Feb. 3) is to survive.
Keeping those two things in mind, what is important to me is to do the best I can with the time and energy I have. Yes, I want to strength-train, but my heart really isn't in it right now. I keep not doing it because the time when I can go to the weight room at the gym it is full of undergrad dudes and I just don't feel comfortable. But doing a daily plank and yoga is in many ways building strength in my body - so for this week I'm just going to keep that up. Next week I'll add in an at-home strength routine that I can do quickly and easily with a mat and a set of dumbbells.
As for cardio, I just have to get myself to the gym. I love walking on the treadmill with a set of weights and charging up hills. My heart rate gets really high, and I work hard! But I'm still getting over walking being "enough." It is enough! What is not enough is doing NOTHING. So for this coming week my plan is to: hit the gym for cardio Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. I have yoga scheduled for Tuesday. Do my daily plank.
I can do that!
On the eating front - well I'm just trying to do better everyday. I have my little list of what I should eat, but then I stray from it. Every. Single. Day. This is a little aside but it is really sad and I have to mention it. We are talking about Mean Girls this week in my youth film class, and I'm having my students read a selection from the book the movie is based on Queen Bees and Wannabes. One section is about popularity, cliques and the roles girls play. I kept trying to figure out where I fit in when I was in junior high/high school, but nothing fit the way I felt/was treated exactly. Then there was a picture of an "act like a woman" box, which are the things girls strive for as far as image is concerned. There were things outside of that box, which trumped all types of social roles and meant that you would always be treated differently.
I was never thin or slim in middle school/high school (or really ever except for one brief summer in undergrad where my head and heart were all messed up, I worked out like crazy and drank way too much - I might have been thinner than normal but I was so miserable I'd never want to go back there). Looking at the chart made me feel really sad - my weight had always made me an outcast. Then it made me think - do I still feel that way? Do I want to lose weight to be accepted by others? I realized that no, I'm not losing weight for anyone but myself, which is maybe why it is taking so long.
I like myself, I'm in a wonderful romantic partnership, and I have great relationships with my family and close friends. I want to lose weight to feel strong and healthy, and to wear all the cute clothes I have in my closet (the basement). For those of you who've been reading the blog for awhile, this is broken record stuff - blah blah blah the clothes in the basement why doesn't she just stop eating crap? I think part of it is because I don't feel judged. I think another part of it is that I do a lot of healthy stuff for myself, and because I'm so busy with writing my dissertation/teaching, I don't have the time to read articles about all the scary stuff being overweight can do to you. BUT this is a funny thing - this semester I've got a whole back row of scary looking and clearly judgmental male athletes in my American Literature survey, and they make me want to lose weight because I feel like they are constantly making fun of me. They are the kind of guys that don't give a sh*t about school in the first place, so I think they are just ridiculing me on top of their intellectual malaise. And even if they aren't, I'll probably let myself think so just to feel some pressure to get these lbs. off. And since I'm already in super confession mode - guess what - I got fat over the holidays! Like weighed-more-than-my-highest-weight-ever-for-two-days fat! And now I'm just a pound under my highest weight and have been hovering there for the whole of January. AND WHAT IS EVEN WORSE is that now that I have that off my chest I feel like it is OK because I've admitted it when really I should feel ashamed. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
OK - now that the stream of dark consciousness has subsided - this is where I'm at. I'm working on my dissertation everyday. Resolution #1 taken care of. Resolutions #s 2 & 4 - well... at least now I've confessed and I can find ways to motivate myself that don't rely on being afraid of 20-year-old football players. Resolution #3, to be good to my body, I'm not doing that bad. I haven't been drinking, I'm taking my vitamins, I'm drinking 8-10 glasses of water a day, I'm doing the planks, I'm doing a fair amount of cardio... but I have to do more as far as what I put into my body is concerned. This week I'm going to make sure I hit my fitness goals, and I'm going to try my best to eat from my "can consume" list.
This Friday Boyfriend and I are leaving at the crack of dawn to drive to Charleston, SC. We are going for a conference, and I'll be giving a paper on Saturday. I'm not going to schedule any workouts for the weekend. Friday is going to be driving, then talks all afternoon, then a longer nighttime lecture and Saturday I'm going to have to be up early because my presentation is at 8:30 AM. The conference is over at 3 PM, so I'm sure we will walk around Charleston all afternoon, and also on Sunday morning before we head back to VA. I'm also going to take a break from the blog during those three days because I'll be working/having a one day break from life.
I know I keep asking, but I'm genuinely interested: how are all of you doing with your resolutions/non-resolutions/goals? Do you feel that if you adjust your resolution you are giving up, or do you feel like you are simply adapting and going with the flow? What motivates you to stay on track?