I guess one thing that ties into my constant obsession with mortality is regret. Not only do I not want to face death, but I don't want to die and think "I've wasted my life. If I had just done a few things differently, then I would have been so much happier."
I'm not unhappy now. A lot of this blog so far has been a chronicle of me figuring out how to deal with the hardships in life, to deal with things being imperfect, and to find happiness and peace in all of it.
For the past few days I had been battling a sore throat and body ache, so feeling crappy and being busy at the same time made me dive into my darker thoughts. But today I'm feeling upbeat, not sick, and full of energy. And I'm living! I'm making changes! Making progress! It's happening!
Since I started MyFitnessPal and eating a steady locarb diet two weeks ago I've lost 3.5 lbs. I'm aiming for 2 lbs a week, so I'm just a touch off of my goal. Today at the gym I thought not about where I wanted to end up, but the pounds coming off (not a goal weight but a total number lost). I thought about what those pounds lost would mean:
hitting my first 10 lbs weight loss goal on 3/12;
hitting my 20 lb weight loss and getting my first payout from Boyfriend on 4/16;
being 24 lbs lighter for a wedding we are attending on 5/4;
26 lbs lighter for Smiley's wedding on 5/11;
reaching my first New Year's Resolution goal and losing 30 lbs in time for my 32nd birthday;
and finally being 40 lbs lighter for another good friend's wedding on 6/29 (and getting my second cash reward from Boyfriend!).
I know that a steady 2 lb/week loss is probably not going to happen (it didn't even happen for me in these first two weeks - I was at 1.75 lb/week), but the idea of getting smaller and smaller as these events are coming along is so enticing. Thinking about each week on its own, hitting one weekly goal at a time, is not intimidating to me. Over time it will add up - if I stick to it, I would reach my 60 lb weight loss goal on 9/3. That would be crazy! But I can't think that far ahead - I can only think through the end of June, through the spring wedding season. It would also mean a lot to me, for myself, to weigh what I did for most of my 20s when I turn 32 in June. It would be a way of re-claiming my body and my vitality instead of fearing growing older.
I am going to make an index card with these dates, numbers and weight loss goals to bring with me to the gym. I'm also going to make a note for my phone. I'll probably post it other places, too. If I just stick to the plan, and meet a weight loss of 2 lbs each week, big things will happen! One step at a time!